Thursday, January 21, 2010

Hunting in Mexico: What Could Go Wrong?

In one week, I will leave my beautiful wife and three kids and go on a hunting trip in Mexico.  I will be going with a few other guys that I know.  I am not looking forward to it.  I am a city guy (or at least a suburb guy).  I don't hunt, I don't shoot, I have no "gear" and basically, don't even like camping.  In fact, on this trip, I'll just be watching the hunters (the rugged version of watching paint dry).

I envision crouching down in some bushes for hours on end.  I clear my throat.   Our guide angrily whispers "shut up, there's an bull elk 1,000 yards away across that valley and he might hear you!"  So, we'll all be sitting there, crouched down, eating jerky and pooping "over there", then digging a hole to cover it up...for five long days.  Plain and simple, this just might be horrible.

So, I started thinking that I would get some workouts in during the trip.  You know, just going for long walks, enjoying the quiet dignity of nature.  But then I'm sure there could always be some other guys 1,000 yards away whispering to each other "shut up, I think I see a bull elk, walking on his hind legs over there..."  Then, I'm a dead man.  Better stay with my guys and the guns. 

So many questions:  Will my blackberry get service out there?  How many days can I go without pooping?  How will I stay properly caffeinated (I'm a 4-shot espresso drinker in the morning)? 

Please help me...any suggestions as to how I should cope and pass the time out there?    Your comments would be much appreciated.


midlife_swimmer said...

ummm why are you going if it does not sound like fun to you?

Larry said...

My best advice - don't go. Good God, I can't think of a worse way to spend two days, let alone FIVE.

If you don't get shot (in Mexico, jeez), and if you don't ruin your relationship with your buddies, and if you don't get overwhelmed with tremendous guilt as you watch an animal that was simply living its God-given life, hurting no one, struggling in pain and then dying, for no reason other than the sporting pleasure of humans, then you will have had a successful trip.

Best of luck.

Control the beast.

Big Clyde said...

Two quick points to add:

1. This is a customer appreciation trip, so it is a business thing.
2. Though I dislike the idea of killing animals by hunting, etc., I am a carnivore (eating fish, chicken and beef, etc.). So, it would be hypocritical for me to object based on the killing of animals.

Thanks for the comments. I like the "Control the Beast" line!

Larry said...

No, no, no. The "I'm a carnivore so it's hypocritical" argument doesn't hold up because you are not killing these animals to keep yourself and/or your family alive by eating them.

Whether the hunters consume any of the animals or not, the killing is for sport and sport only. They do not need to eat these animals to stay alive, they do not kill them because they so prefer the taste of elk or deer or whatever over cow, bird, or fish.

These are wild animals being killed for sport, not domesticated cows or chickens being farm raised for the sole purpose of being eaten.

But enough zoopolitics. Let's talk about cycling. You have one week before your nightmare, er, trip begins. I challenge you, Big Clyde, to ride more this week than in any previous non-race week since you began your quest.

[In my best Chris Walken] Do it! For yourself! Do it! For your family. Do it! For the Mexican wildlife.

Do it!

Big Clyde said...


As The Stranger said in The Big Lebowski: "I like your style, Dude". So, Larry threw out the mileage challenge, which coincides with me hitting or not hitting my first monthly mileage goal of 2010: 175 miles for the month. That would mean cycling 100 miles exactly by next Wednesday evening (five days). I have never done that.

But I am about to! As always, family time will take a priority, work has to factor in, but I think I can do this!

Thanks for the challenge.

P.S. Larry, I respect some anonymity, but I am curious...are you one of my actual friends, using the pen-name "Larry"? If so, that's cool...just curious. Again, thanks for the posts. They're great.

Larry said...

A wiser fella than myself once said, "Sometimes you eat the bar, and..." (much obliged), "...and sometimes the bar, well, he eats you."

As for "actual" friends, I can honestly say, hand to God, I don't know you. Or at least don't know your name, if it's not Clyde, which I assume it's not.

Me, I am indeed Larry Ferguson. I'm an ice sculptor by trade, a Nihilist by hobby. That's how I got so fat. I live south of middle America. My father is Scott Ronder, who published one book, about a prostitute he grew up around in Louisiana. He divorced my mother when I was two, and she remarried Mr. Ferguson, who adopted me soon after.

My mother's maiden name is Goldtine. Not that you would be aware, but she is a descendant of the Indiana Goldtines, a Barkley-type family (if you ever saw The Big Valley) who made their wealth during the Indiana Gas Boom.

I graduated middle of the pack from Slippery Rock U where I spent two years as the midnight to 6am DJ on 88.1 WSRU -The Voice of the Rock!

Now, at an age very similar to yours, I have decided to give the cycling thing a try. And the eating better thing, which is truly the toughest part of it all.

Ride those 100 miles. You can do it. Work and family are excuses, there is always time. God will provide the time without sacrifice to work or home. It's up to you to use it.

Nobody f#*ks with the Jesus.

Control the beast.

Big Clyde said...

"And a good day to you, sir!".

Your bio reads like an alternate scene from "The Usual Suspects", but I'll take your word for it. In fact, I can verify your reference to the Indiana Gas Boom. I experienced it myself after attending the Terre Haute Chili Cook-Off.

I intend to ride those 100 miles, starting tomorrow. Looks like I'll be posting on that. Again, thanks for the challenge.

Glad you took up cycling as a hobby...the nihilism sounds exhausting.

Duane said...

I would have traded places with you! That is Heaven!

Tricia said...

Sounds miserable. Hope youre getting paid well to go. :)

Can you bring along a couple of books? Or download a few to your mp3 player.

CactusFreek said...

I'm with Larry, Hunting for fun is horrible :o/

Make sure you wear something really bright/flouro so you can walk without being shot at :o)

Big Clyde said...

Tricia and CactusFreek, I agree. I do not like hunting for sport either. I haven't done it before, but I do respect that others enjoy it (including Duane!).

I'll do my best to enjoy the camraderie, while quietly hoping that my customer doesn't actually kill anything.

Now, my focus is getting in my miles before the trip!

Thanks for the feedback everyone!

Anonymous said...

Big Clyde,

You gotta make loud, funny, human noises... otherwise you migth get shot. I hope you don't kill anyone.

P.S. Your blog is amazing.


guinnemick said...

I say to quit your crying and man up. You want more business from these individuals, so you must do something that may not appeal to you, but appeals to them. Didn't you learn anything in business school?? I have a piece of advice, just don't wear that brown sweater. They may mistake you for a bear...