Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Canada: What's Going On Up There?

In the past week, I have seen a few comments about Canada.  These comments  made me realize how I have some concerns about this seemingly innocent, yet VERY mysterious country.

Let me clearly state my position:   I don't hate Canada.  I don't even have strong opinions against Canada.  I certainly don't hate the Canadian people.  I simply don't trust them.

You might be surprised to learn that I don't even know very much about Canada.  But that is my point.  Unless you live there, what do the rest of us in the world really know about Canada?  If we meet someone from Canada, we'll go "hmm...okay" because we have nothing to say because we don't know what you are all up to.

Here are a few of my questions/concerns about these people, hiding in the frigid light of day:

  1. What do they do up there all day?   I've known a few Canadians, though not very well.  They only talked about drinking beer, eating meat, playing or watching hockey and they were very funny and fun to be around.  Actually, they seemed more interested in playing hockey, than watching it (seems un-American to me).   Yet, when you step away from these alcohol-fueled good times, what did they really reveal about their interests?  Nothing...just the beer and the eating and the hockey.

  2. Let's face it, they contribute almost nothing to the rest of the world.  Quick!...name the Top 5 inventions that have come out of Canada?  (crickets) Okay, how about the Top 5 Sports invented by Canadians (okay, we'll give them hockey and curling...but is curling really a sport if a woman 5 1/2 months pregnant can do it??).   Moving on, what are the Top 5 Canadian films or Music Groups that have shown up on the world's stage (please keep your answers within the past 10 years)?    

  3. Along those lines, does Canada even have a military, ready to jump in to crises in the world?  How scary would it be if we find that they don't NEED a military?  No one robs the mafia boss' house, right?  Could it be that they are so secretly tough and scary that no country would ever take them on?

  4. As a country, they seem to embody the "fly-below-the-radar" strategy:  get along with everyone, but don't stand out...at all.  They are a part of North America and even look and sound like Americans, but they are NOT Americans.  They are not British either, but they are a constitutional monarchy serving Queen Elizabeth (so, kinda British?).  They're not French, but there is the whole Quebec thing (and even THEY don't want to really be Canadians).

  5. And the food?  I have been fortunate enough to travel around the world, visiting four different continents.  But I have NEVER seen a Canadian food restaurant.  Even here in Tucson, Arizona, we have African restaurants, Turkish, Chinese, Australian, Indian, Mexican, British, German, Russian, etc.  Has anyone ever been to a Canadian restaurant?  Okay, there is the bacon (but isn't it really just chewy ham?).

  6. This country is strangely quiet and secretive.  Even now, you are somewhat hoping that no one is looking over your shoulder as you read this.   Why is Canada never in the news?  Ever.

  7. They speak english (except in Quebec), yet they have weird pronunciation and spelling on the most random words.  They can say "house" but can't say "about"?  Really? And yes, they add that "u" in some words like "flavour", just because. WHY?!?
I realize that this might seem like I am a hater, but as I said, I am not.  I am just concerned, maybe even frightened.  I am 44 years old and I am realizing that there is this huge country right above me...all those Canadians, just looking down on us Americans, saying nothing like that creepy guy in the food court at the mall.  What do you people want from us?  What are you all doing up there?   Do you mean us harm?!?

By the way, no hard feelings okay, Canada?   I always heard you guys were nice.  So, we're cool, right?

Big Duke (Clyde's cousin)


fatty blogsticks said...

haha, big clyde, you're gettin' me all paranoid abooot them covert canadians. new zealand is like australia's canada. smaller, sneakier. accents almost sound the same, but not quite ... aliens!

i would, however, like to thank canada for degrassi and for the movie 'the peanut butter solution' which i loved as a kid ... even though i always suspected something wasn't quite right with it!

p.s. i'm glad our cuisine earned a mention, although, we're so multiculural, i'm wondering what we have on offer? meat pies? steaks? lamingtons?

✯FiTCETERA✯ said...

LMAO! Really. I just got home from work (it's a secret ... I'd have to kill you if I told you where) and I had the best laugh.
Our movies suck.

1. Plexiglass
2. basketball
3. Blackberry
4. Canadarm
5. Cobalt bomb (don't f*ck with us, BigClyde)
6. Superman (really ... don't f*ck with us!)
7. zipper
8. the telephone
9. the Jolly Jumper
10. IMAX
11. machine gun tracer bullet (see 5. & 6. above)
12. anti-gravity suit
13. cardiac intensive care unit
14. computerized braille
15. retractable beer carton handle
16. rollerskate
17. instant potato flakes! (sore-y)
18. caulking gun
19. CPR mannequin Actar 911
20. Standard Time
21. Wonderbra!
22. Insulin
23. Instant replay
and so much more!

We're cool.
But again ...
don't f*ck with us.

Tricia said...

That's a long list. However, seeing as how it was compiled by a shifty Canadian, I would fact-check it if I were you.

fatty blogsticks said...

fitcetera, you're so patriotic, i love it! oh, and *big* thanks for the wonderbra x

Kim said...

lmao at Fit's comment! This was such a funny post. Thanks for the much needed laugh. Please burn this after reading...don't want to be invaded by "them". lol

Susietri said...

All I'm going to say is - don't ask too many questions - ya know what I mean, eh.

CinciMom11 said...

Oh. My. God. This is the most freaking hilarious post EVER! I am seriously cracking up right now! Amazing job! Very creative! Great way to start the morning (after my great workout of course). Thanks :)

Al (losingharry) said...

Three reasons I love Canada...

1) Legal drinking age is 19. I live 20 minutes from Windsor, ON and every free night I had from ages 19-21 was spent at Don Cherry's, Bentley's or Canadian Tavern.

2) CBC Television (channel 9 in Detroit). While growing up, before there was cable, there was channel 9. Those of us near the Canadian border got an extra TV channel and late at night they showed Boobies! Hooray for Canada, Hooray for Boobies!

3) Hockey...my second favorite sport (Football is #1).

Let's face it Clyde...a pregnant woman and a man with only one ball can ride a bike too. So what does that say about cycling?

I still don't trust the bastards...great post.

Jennifer said...

Awesome post!!! The comments really iced the cake you baked here Clyde. Excellent work comrades!!

Big Daddy Diesel said...

I was waiting for a Canadian to level this out.

Twon said...

That was hysterical! Being of French-Canadian descent I feel compelled to defend the honour of "my people". Too many of our trade secrets your revealing there.

Mmm. Canada = Poutine. *wants*

Big Clyde said...

Great comments everyone! I believe I made my point (that we all should, in fact, be afraid of Canada).

A few follow-up comments:
Blogsticks: Thanks for the support from Down Under. The Ausralian restaurant in Tucson happens to be Outback, which is totally authentic because the commercial announcer has the "G'Day Mate" accent.

* You invented basketball? Okay, but I think we know who perfected it.
* Superman was written by two teenagers in Cincinnati, Ohio (I'm quite of fan of Supes).
* I'll give you the rest of the list and we do thank you for instant replay and the zipper.
* Seriously, how can I get an anti-gravity suit? I didn't know they existed. Can I order online?

Finally, did everyone catch that FiTCETERA threatened to kill me in like, her first sentence and then gave me the "don't f*** with Canada" warning about five times?!?


Susietri said...

Joe Shuster, according to Wikipedia was Canadian born. Just saying.

Do we have a military yes we do - we are currently serving in Afghanistan with international forces. Canadian soldiers are dying there far too often.

How about our banking system that, contrary to your own, didn't take the global economy down with it in the fall of 2008.

Music you ask:
Broken Social Scene, including Leslie Feist and Emily Haines of Metric
Arcade Fire
Tokyo Police Club
are in rotation on Alt Nation on Sirius and I will always enjoy the oldies like BTO, Neil Young and the Guess Who.

Movies, you have us there, they do suck but the US would not laugh without Canadian comedians and Lorne Michaels.

Food, cleary you have not had poutine after a long workout, race, or just a night of heavy adult beverage intake. Cheeses from Quebec are fantastic, our wines especially from Southern Ontario are sadly not available widely in the US (your loss) and no body can ever tell me that back bacon is not the best use of a pig evah!

✯FiTCETERA✯ said...

Yes, Clyde, but I did say it politely.
Caulking guns are all most Canadians are armed with ... don't worry. A little caulk never hurt anybody. Eh?